Eventually Remembering to Stay

When heaviness comes, after a period of fleeing, eventually I remember to stay. As Pema Chodron puts it: ‘When the resistance is gone, the demons are gone.’

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Forbidden Fruit, Lezley Saar, 2017

This morning I walked through the woods with my chin on the ground. Cold, bright Spring morning, alone with a very handsome dog in the woods, feeling heavy. Body and spirit made of lead.

Does it matter why? Parenting, adhd, eldercare? The reign of cruelty in the US? Two weeks away from the woodworking studio?

When heaviness comes, after a period of fleeing, eventually I remember to stay. That shifts everything.

Fleeing can be days of agony—tension, leading to anxiety, leading to insomnia, leading to a giant human scribble.

I’ve learned to believe fiercely in self-compassion practice but I must admit, I do sometimes go there seeking escape, trained mindfulness mentor or not. It’s why these last days self-compassion hasn’t budged the iron padlock of my heart/mind.

When I’ve tried all the things and nothing heals the heaviness, eventually I have to get serious about staying. It’s what I did in the woods today. Ok pain, so you’re here. You’re not leaving, I get it. Let me know you completely, then. Tell me the worst of it. 

I’m claustrophobic and I worry about getting stuck in elevators. But you know what I imagine? First I really freak out and have a proper fucking panic and then I sit down, calm down, start connecting with the other people in the elevator and make some friends. Lifelong friends? Maybe! The panic comes and goes in waves and then eventually we get out. 

Well, either that or we suffocate. Starve, drink our pee, eat each other’s arms. Become nothing.

Do I have a say over which? I can take the stairs and often do, but I haven’t fully given up on elevators. Exposure therapy is highly effective. 

Staying with discomfort, in a mindful way, is exposure therapy. Mindful is just awareness + compassion. (Don’t stay in the elevator without kindness or you’ll devour your only meat source, then starve anyway! What good was that!? You could have had a lifelong friend!)

My teacher, Tara Brach, tells a Buddhist story about the great Tibetan yogi Milarepa: 

“Milarepa spent many years living in isolation in a mountain cave. As part of his spiritual practice, he began to see the contents of his mind as visible projections. His inner demons of lust, passion, and aversion would appear before him as gorgeous seductive women and terrifying wrathful monsters. In face of these temptations and horrors, rather than being overwhelmed, Milarepa would sing out, ‘It is wonderful you came today, you should come again tomorrow … from time to time we should converse.’ Through his years of intensive training, Milarepa learns that suffering only comes from being seduced by the demons or from trying to fight them. To discover freedom in their presence, he has to experience them directly and wakefully, as they are. In one story, Milarepa’s cave becomes filled with demons. Facing the most persistent, domineering demon in the crowd, Milarepa makes a brilliant move—he puts his head into the demon’s mouth. In that moment of full surrender, all the demons vanish. All that remains is the brilliant light of pure awareness. As Pema Chodron puts it: ‘When the resistance is gone, the demons are gone.‘”

Years of practice and teaching and still I resist. The monster is in the elevator. Turning toward it is hard. Letting it take my head in its mouth as if to end me, paradoxically, is a way to live.

How to know when it’s time to leave your (arts adjacent) job, and how to start getting ready to do your own thing

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First of all, I don’t know the answer for you. Of course I don’t. Only you can really sense into the intricate timing of your life.

But I do know what was true for me, and what I’ve noticed from listening closely to my clients leading up to, during, and after these types of transitions. 

Why don’t I share some of these ideas and we’ll see what resonates for you.

Signs that it may be time to go:

  1. A really exciting and very scary new opportunity has come up
  2. You feel exhausted all the time
  3. You regularly feel disrespected and unappreciated
  4. You feel taken advantage of
  5. It’s like you’re in a dysfunctional family and no one is open to therapy. (Only—reminder—you’re not actually stuck with this work family)
  6. You’re staying because it may fall apart without you
  7. You’re high on your work and it’s making you sick
  8. Your ego is happy but your soul aches
  9. You feel creatively underutilized
  10. You feel creatively used
  11. When you complete a project, you feel a little robbed 
  12. You have trouble calling yourself an artist but you love to be near other artists
  13. You can’t deal with the schedule
  14. You can’t deal with the culture
  15. You can’t deal with the furniture. Your body badly needs a different setup
  16. You’re staying for the money

(This one comes with an important caveat: there is nothing wrong with staying for the money and at times it’s essential. But, if everything else feels off besides the money, you can at least dream bigger and work on the possibility of that dream becoming real) 

  1. You’re excited about an idea that won’t quit (even if you don’t know what to call it or how to describe it) 
  2. You wish you had the courage, or the talent, or the money, or the support to go out on your own, but you’re scared that you don’t

Ok, let’s check in here. Did any of these ring a bell? 

If so, let me pause to acknowledge the discomfort you may be in. Let me invite you to take a breath of self-compassion.

Any one of the items above could be reason enough to leave your job. 

If you were listening to a friend describe your situation, you’d probably want the best for them. You might even feel it was obvious that they should leave. 

But if you’re still there now, it’s for a reason. So here’s what we can do:

  1. Honor the reasons you’re still there
  • Make a list of the reasons. Write them down, even if it’s a quick list on a napkin. Go ahead, I’ll wait right here for you. 🙂 
  • Now, look at each item on your list, one by one, and ask yourself, why is this important??
  • You may notice that you do have some very solid reasons for staying. Let’s honor that. Complexity is present, and true.
       
  1. Reduce the restraining forces that keep you from leaving. 
  • Look back at your list with an eye for the things that scare you about leaving. For each one, ask yourself, if this actually happened, what would I do? Could I handle it? Does avoiding this actually make sense to me as a sound reason to stay?
  1. Increase the carrot
  • Maybe what you need is a vision, a really easy action plan, and a support system that gives you momentum and accountability. 
  • If this were suddenly easy and low-risk, what could you imagine yourself doing?
  • Let yourself get into the details of the dream of it. What would it smell/taste/look/sound/feel like to be doing that dream? 

Spend some time with it.

Xo

India

What I noticed after teaching at Snow Farm

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I like to move slowly and intentionally, so how nice after teaching at the Snow Farm Art & Wellness retreat to spend Monday morning moving with care, finding my way to a wood bench under a tree to sit happily and reflect.

During the opening session, I guided mindfulness and close-looking at artwork. Everyone went from silent to bubbling: 

Aliza Nisenbaum, Washington Heights Kids Merengue Class, 2019

“We noticed that we each had a character in the artwork that we thought of as ourselves…“

“I noticed every time you guided me to close my eyes and go inside, it changed what I saw on the outside when I opened them…“

The invitation was to reflect on how you’ve been feeling lately and then notice what you see in the artwork. Questions implicit in this process are, how does who we are right now in the moment impact what we perceive? And how can our perceiving impact our internal state?

Looking closely lets the nervous system notice that we’re safe.

Breathing slows, heart rate slows, and then we might begin to see ourselves projected and gain insight, just as much as we might begin to bring the calm from outside in. 

As I sit and reflect now, it’s the same. Everywhere around me, I notice the cacophony of birds. Near, farther, far, I hear layers of sound on repeat, pause, repeat. I hear them pecking and landing on the apex dorm roof. I hear a flutter of wings gushing past, a burbling babble, a wobbling warble, a piercing straw call. I hear a scratching short guttural putter and the long, low coo-o coo coo coo of the mourning dove. 

Last night I was teaching about welcome and wonder, compassion and curiosity. Inside me now, I notice I feel dazzled and proud to be living by these tenets that are at the core of mindfulness. As Pema Chodron said, “Let your curiosity be greater than your fear.” 

So here I am in this special, sweet place, teaching and learning in this way because I let my curiosity be greater than my fear. 

I manifested this moment—right now with my feet on the moss, my butt in the chair, my pen on the page, and my senses doing their delectable sensing that lands me in the present—because I let myself want what I wanted. Fully, truly, unapologetically. 

I didn’t want to settle for a career that excluded crucial parts of who I am, so I created a way to welcome all of it.

And my friend, if you want to, you can too.

I didn’t want to choose between my passions or do what was safe or expected of me, so I stayed curious, followed joy, and enlisted compassion. 

And if you want to, you can too.

All my agendas are paused, now. I can’t remember for sure if they matter. It feels good. 

The black fly lands on my thumb. The breeze is cool and damp and carries the smell of the apple blossoms. The sun creates shadows, tree leaves dancing against the leaves of my page. Outside meets inside. Integration.

Mother’s Day Poem

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I wrote this poem on mother’s day morning. It’s about my one experience as a mother, but maybe you’ll resonate.

There are many, many, many kinds of mothering, including (I believe) one’s creative practice.

If you’re in a space where the topic of mothers is triggering, I encourage you to show yourself care and sit this one out. If not, I hope you enjoy.

Love, India

PS – my sister had a great idea that there should be a Grandmother’s day. So we don’t have to share. All in favor say aye.


Mother’s Day 
By India Clark

On Mother’s Day, 
I wanted gardening shoes.
A massage, a date with a friend,
Waking up to breakfast in bed with
A perfect cherub who looks 
In my eyes and says 
Mama, I love you. 

Scratch that, all I care about is 
A cup of tea, a sliver of mental space,
And to worship my own mother, 
Who is still in stunning, temporary bloom.

To be a mother
Means to stay 
Beyond the scope of sense and reason,
And discover I am bigger.

That I can live
A ransacked life
And still flourish. 

Staying when my cherub
Is full of the devil,
No interest in kisses,
No interest in quiet. 

Staying even though almost everything 
That’s rightfully mine
Is now imminent domain—

My body, my sleep,
How I present myself aesthetically, 
Even my behavior, sometimes. 
But I stay. 

I stay when my work and friendships,
Art and marriage,
Get ritualistically interrupted,

Like I stayed when my body
Split open 
And this nonsense began,

Which is now the only nonsense that I live by. 
Compromise everything, except 
Tending that stunning and temporary
Young flower.

(Even though I myself
am just a flower.)

The most absurd part of all
Is not the pure science fiction 
Of gestation and birth.
It’s that I love this.

I love knowing my strength, 
Uncovering my reserves, 
Encountering my creativity,
And learning to honor myself 
When it appears to run dry. 

I love the breadth I discover
through the forge 
Of The Mother.

And even more,
I love watching, 
And listening,
And celebrating, 
And witnessing 
You. 

The other day,
Watching your favorite show,
Me laying next to you, flattened 
on the couch like a mother,
You hit pause. 

You walked over, lips pursed,
And kissed my face
—a gentle claim—
Then kissed the top of my head.

It was almost parental. 
And I felt 
How I was in your hands, too.

3 Tools for Finding Ground within Unpredictability

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Artwork by Sally Deng

This past year of the pandemic, we’ve all learned a thing or two about unpredictability.

Think of a recent time when you had a plan that didn’t work out, or for some reason it was hard to even make a plan. Nothing too hard or traumatic – just a bearable instance of uncertainty.

Now do a quick body scan. Close your eyes, feel the ground and your breath. Think about that time when your plan fell through or you couldn’t plan. What do you notice in your body?

Tightness, nervousness, heaviness and numbness are some examples of what it can be like for us when we experience unpredictability. It can produce a feeling of groundlessness. It can be unpleasant.

The pandemic has certainly amplified what was already the universal human condition—that we can never know what’s coming. And that’s always uncomfortable.

So how do we relax and find the ground again when we remember that there is never any certainty except for change?

It can be somewhat simpler than you might think. These 3 tools can be a bit of an antidote.

  1. Focus on feeling your connection to the ground
    Take a moment to feel the sensation of contact with the ground right now. What do you notice?

    Contact is always there, gravity is always there, and the weight of the body creating deep pressure in the joints as we press against the ground can be regulating to the nervous system when we do it mindfully. If this feels effective for you, you can do this any time—just consciously bring your awareness back to the ground.
  2. Self-compassion
    Maybe you think, “I don’t have time for self-compassion, I have real problems to fix,” or “self-compassion will never work for me.” This is how it was for me until I started listening to the teachings of Dr Kristin Neff, a psychologist and researcher who is our foremost expert on self-compassion, and I realized it was actually really simple and can be revolutionary.

    Self-compassion can be like a universal key that unlocks a lot of doors in the array of challenging experiences we might seek support with. Because it allows us to really be here with whatever is here. It enables us to truly tolerate hard things. And for me, the feeling comes that I’m not really tolerating it alone anymore.

    So let’s try. Bring that memory about a failed plan into your mind again and feel it in your body. Now, bring your hand to your chest and say internally, this is hard right now. That’s self-compassion. What happens for you?
  1. Focused Looking
    Looking itself regulates the nervous system! As an art-based mindfulness teacher, I want to shout this from the rooftops. It’s so healing and pleasant and simple! 

    In the healing field of Somatic Experiencing, this practice is called Orienting. You can do it anywhere, any time, with whatever is present—not just art. I do recommend choosing stable or slow-moving objects.

    Our visual perception is hard wired into our safety monitoring system—the nervous system. (That’s the one that regulates when we rest, digest, and heal and when we fight, flight, or freeze.) The simple act of focused looking actually slows the respiration and heart rates and secures us in our sense of safety.

    I find I have to consciously focus my eyes. If I’m lost in thought or restlessness or worry, my eyes tend to go into soft focus and then I don’t feel present. But as soon as I realize that and bring myself back, mindfully focusing my eyes on what’s here, I’m present again and feel grounded.

    Try it. Look around the room right now. Consciously focus your eyes on a tangible, nonmoving object. What do you notice about how you feel?

The common thread with all of these is that they’re easily accessible any time, anywhere, but to be able to get the medicine out of them, we have to use them consciously. 

And if that makes you worry “but I’ll never remember,” just set the intention to remember, and take time to really appreciate every time that you do. Your remembering will grow.

As my teacher Tara Brach says “mindfulness is about forgetting and remembering, forgetting and remembering” and the aspiration to remember really does help a lot.

10 reasons to lean into creative community

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If you’ve been part of a great creative community before, you know what it’s worth.

I love this quote from Jeanette Leblanc about a circles of womxn being the most powerful force known to humanity. I agree, and I think it can also be said about a strong and mindful creative community.

Here’s my top ten reasons to dive in with a creative community like my Conscious Choice in the New Year group program, or any creative community that speaks to you:

  1. You are not alone 
    Right now, Covid and contemporary life make it really easy to feel isolated. But we are never alone. I encourage you to build regular, scheduled connection into your routine. Did you know that loneliness is proven to be bad for our health? According to the book Bowling Aloneby Robert D. Putnam, joining a group can cut your risk of dying in the next year in half! 
  2. Get inspired
    Being exposed to other people’s ideas, images, sounds, energy, and habits can refresh your own.
  3. Amplify your energy
    One of the reasons I love a mindful creative community is that you get a double shot—the inspiration plus the energy. Have you heard of the maharishi effect? In Meyerside, England, 1% of the population meditated together daily from 1988 to 1981 and the city’s crime rate dropped from the third highest to the lowest in the country! Collective mindfulness is powerful.
  4. Accountability
    According to The American Society of Training and Development, you have a 65% greater chance of completing your goals when you commit them to somebody else, and making a specific “accountability appointment” can increase your success by up to 95%!
  5. Love and be loved
    With strong group facilitation, when it’s safe to be authentic and vulnerable, strangers fall in love with each other. It’s gorgeous to see and feels amazing to be a part of.
  1. Get feedback and gain perspective 
    The exchange of feedback and outside perspectives is not only an important part of personal growth and a balanced worldview, it’s also the spice of life.
  2. Shake it up, aka stop straining your go-to relationships!
    Seriously. Your spouse, your roommate, your best friend, your cat… should not be the only source of exchange in your life! We all fall into our cozy habits, but they do get stale. Shake it up.
  3. Common humanity
    When we sit and listen to one another, we learn that our deepest pains and insecurities are shared, and that makes them easier. Recognizing our common humanity evokes compassion and grows self-compassion.
  4. Network and collaborate
    It’s fun and productive and it gets you what you need!
  5. Celebrate in good company
    One of my favorite sticky notes reminds me “if you want to be successful, notice your successes.” To take this one step farther, if you want to be really successful, celebrate your successes in good company! A grounded and humble celebration, when recognized by others, produces real growth.

Here’s to mindful creative community!

The two parts of conscious choice

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If you ever feel like you’re not totally in the driver’s seat in your life, or like you’re just going through the motions, you might love the topic of conscious choice. It can be deeply empowering and juicy.

Conscious choice is made up of two parts.

First, the consciousness part is about awareness. For example, when you’re avoiding something, do you realize it? Do you know why?

When you feel compelled to do something, do you know if that pull is coming from inside you or outside?

What about when you have different parts of you that need and want different things?

When we aren’t aware, things are out of our control.

But the cool thing about conscious awareness is that we can practice and grow it. That’s where mindfulness comes in. There are infinite ways to be mindful. You get to choose a way that feels doable and fun to you. One of my favorite ways is of course mindful art observation. It’s enjoyable, relaxing, and profound.

Next comes the choice part. And this is where agency comes in, and the big opportunity for more pleasure and satisfaction.

When we are aware of what’s going on inside—when it’s no longer grayed out in the unconscious—then we have the option to decide what to do or not do.

Once we’ve looked at all of the parts in operation, we organically begin asking ourselves, is this really a part of me I want to trust behind the wheel in this scenario?

It doesn’t always mean that the choosing part comes easily.

Making choices you feel great about takes attention, discernment, bravery, self-soothing, and often support.

So if you ever feel like you’re living just a shadow of your real life, or you’re less than fully present in your relationships, less confident than you want to feel, less creative, less fully alive… you could make a conscious choice to evolve yourself.

Do you have a mindfulness practice?
Do you have a process that supports you in making choices you feel great about?

If not, you might start here with my Free Find Your Way Masterclass on how to find the clarity to mindfully choose your next steps in your creative life and work.

Clearing space for a simple plan that’s heart aligned

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If you ever have trouble focusing on what’s truly important to you and yearn to feel more present and engaged, I’m a big advocate for mindful and intentional planning.

Because once we have a simple plan in place that’s heart-aligned, we set ourselves up to be able to experience FLOW. That sensation of true presence and the opportunity to really enjoy your life, your relationships, and your creative work.

Here’s what it takes to get there:

  1. Set aside some time for the space-making power of good planning. Good planning is heart responsive and comes from intentional listening. We need to feel safe enough that our true desires reveal themselves. It takes time, but it feels great and it saves you time.

I’ve been clearing a lot of space to reflect lately and to be honest, sometimes I have to dig deep to give myself that permission. But once I do, I see what I really want and need. I know I’ve listened well when I feel fresh and my goals and path become clear.

  1. Turn your desires into goals and actions. Get specific. Keep it simple.

For example, the book I’m writing. My heart is totally in it and I gave myself a clear and simple action plan: 45 minutes a day 5 days a week. I took the time and made a really good outline, so now I just show up and flow, and I don’t feel complicated about it. I’m not distracted or confused about the plan because I’m not building the bridge while I’m crossing it. I show up and I write, and it gives me so much joy!

Clearing space for a simple plan that’s heart aligned is such an empowering thing to do right now, at a time when so much is out of our control. To harness the moves within your control feels amazing.

What does this spark for you? I’d love to know in the comments!

Clearing space for a simple plan that’s heart aligned is also the intention behind Conscious Choice in the New Year, my 10 week mindful visioning program for creative souls wanting to live boldly and intentionally no matter what 2021 brings.

Clarity work
Strategic intentions
Creative community
Protected stillness

In this 10-week group program you will:

  • Get aligned with weekly guided body-centered mindfulness
  • Clarify your vision and produce a heart-aligned action plan for the year
  • Self-reflect with compassionate awareness through visual art observation
  • Feel nourished, energized and connected with a community of mindful creatives
  • Nurture your creative practice and grow your self-trust and confidence

    This program is open to just 20 people, with 3 Premiere slots are available for deep 1:1 support with a big project or life transformation, and 3 slots reserved for BIPOC Artists & Arts Administrators (apply here)

If this sounds like something that could really serve you right now, you can learn more here.

Reflecting on Inauguration Day

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Dear Wayfinders,

Yesterday was quite a day. How are you feeling?

The moment the inauguration footage started, so did my tears. My 2-year-old said “mama, are you ok?” and as I explained that I was feeling joy, that a great weight was lifting, I also felt a deep ache that I didn’t know how to share with him. Softening with relief and hope also meant thawing into the pain of the last four years.

This is quite a time to be alive. I think we will all be processing this period for a very long time.

It had me reflecting personally, too. We’ve all had our personal stories woven into this collective historical period.

For me, four years ago on Inauguration Day, I was deep inside an 8-month long clinical depression.

I worked hard and gentle and turned it around.

I started Wayfinder… and made a total of $800 while working side jobs to make it possible.

Three years ago in March I birthed my first child at home.

Two years ago I started investing in business coaching and clarified my Wayfinder vision.

One year ago exactly I launched my first group program Conscious Choice in the New Year.

And over the course of 2020, amidst a pandemic, social uprisings, and political chaos, while my husband and I co-parented our toddler with almost no childcare—which is to say, amidst blessings and privilege—I had my most successful and creative year in business yet. 

With the help of my team I developed and ran three group programs, put out two museum meditation recordings, led more than 20 hours of free art-based mindfulness, and nurtured 34 creative soul clients I adore.

So here’s how I’m feeling:

  1. Full of awe at what is possible. We are capable of so much more than our fears would have us believe!
  2. Compassionate. I hope we’ll all be gentle with ourselves, because where there’s relief there may also be new room to feel what’s underneath, and we have been through a lot.
  3. So. Darn. Excited. That 2021 is just heating up!

With love,

India

Motherhood

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Milan and I are walking up the road through the woods – dirt and gravel and moss through the trees where there’s never a car. Picking wild raspberries. Running for fun holding hands. My time to be with him, and myself, and my body before afternoon client calls.

He sits down in the middle of the road “let’s sit here where it’s nice and flat.” I feel charmed and annoyed all at once. I’m ready to get back, take a shower, and step into that other me that gets to help creative souls dive deeper than their fears and find confident purpose.

But resistance often backfires, so I sit by his side. Pretend we’re in a car on the road driving. Pretend we’re in a plane. Pick up some rocks and throw them as far as we can.

He picks up a fist sized stone. The swoop of his arm from low to high makes a full arc, pitching the stone back at my forehead. My hand shoots up to cover the pain and before I can stop him, a second rock hits a bullseye on the back of my hand. Is this for real?

Parenting doesn’t pause when you’re in pain. I hear myself explain to him, calmly and firmly, how he can be more careful throwing stones, but I also hear a memory in my head, my cousin Nika’s voice saying “No one ever told me how much my kids would physically hurt me.”

And these words I have often remembered with an understanding laugh suddenly pierce me more deeply. I feel the well of sadness—the one that holds every abuse I have lovingly, servingly absorbed, the one I never have time for—and I let myself cry.

Milan sees my face and laughs. When I don’t join him, his laugh turns to a whine. He claws at my chest “I want to nurse!” I say baby, not right now, mamas having a little cry.

And after a pause, he throws his soft arms around me, presses his beautiful face to my shoulder, breathes tenderness into my heaves.

Then I’m ok again. I was always ok. We start back towards home, towards helping my clients find their authentic answers, and he doesn’t want to walk, so I carry my giant toddler in my sweaty, aching, superhuman arms.

Weaving motherhood together with the good, orderly direction of a flexible work life is a blessing.

Because motherhood is by far the toughest climb. It’s unrelenting, it calls when you’re down, it shows you your reserve tank, and the one behind that—the ones you didn’t know existed, the ones you’re angry, amazed, inspired and fulfilled to discover—and that can fuel your self-belief in your purpose work.

Motherhood is chaos. Sheer chaos, especially now, in a pandemic—and routine making through soul-focused work is the ground.

Motherhood is ecstasy. Physical pain, mind pain, heart pain, and the sweetest, brightest, addictingest, heart-explodingest intimate bliss simultaneously. Impossible, unbearable, truer than true.

Weaving motherhood together with the spaciousness, ritual and freedom of flexible, passion-driven work feels so balancing.

Whatever you are mothering—a project, a program, a dream, a relationship, an enterprise—I wish you abundant support and the faith and courage to pursue a nourishing lifestyle to match.

If you’re a up against a decision, working through a transition, trying to live a truer life, feeling the desire for shift but clouded by fear and doubt, learn more about my Wayfinder Deep Seeing Sessions and 3-month Mentorship.